Just Marvy!

And his balls. Do not forget his balls. Someone has to remember them.

2012-01-25T15:41:00.002-05:00

Oogie is turning 27 (:D) and she’s throwing a party for which she sends out a mass email inviting various friends. Three days later, a male invitee responds to her email by way of the annoyingly overused “reply all” medium:

Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 3:17 PM

[Name redacted to save his pride]

Going to run this by my girlfriend and see. Hopefully we can make it =).

I’m reading this email with annoyance, irritation and every mood between, and contemplating the nastiest possible retort when I receive the following from Oogie:

Wed, Jan 25, 2012 at 3:28 PM,

Oogie wrote:

I now propose: Reply-All responses to the email of [Name redacted to save his pride]:

“Who are you?”

“First girlfriend, huh?”

“Ok. And while at it, also run by your girlfriend the possibility of getting your balls back”

“No seriously, who are you?”

“Do you have friends?”

“Oogie, I’m not coming to your party if he comes.”

“It’s not my party dude, but I am uninviting you.”

“What is your girlfriend’s email? We would like to respond to you but think this will be a more direct route.”

Brilliant. Oogie may kill me, but I’ve already sent off Response 8. And yes, I replied all.

True Shame

2011-12-09T17:24:00.007-05:00

Oogie, I and a bunch of other friends went to watch Michael Fassbender (a.k.a. FassyB or The Bendster) in all his full frontal glory in the movie, Shame. Two days later, Oogie sends me an email about a conversation she had with a member of her firm’s IT department:

-----

From: Oogie
Date: Fri, Dec 9, 2011 at 3:19 PM
Subject: Re: Random conversations about nothing
To: Piglet in Wellies

Heeeey, Piglet! So funny. This is a convo I had with our IT guy:

Me: Hey IT guy, I’m having problems accessing one of our network directories

IT Guy: Well, one solution might be to boot you out of the domain and ITspeakITspeakITspeakITspeakLinuxWindowsNerdNerdNerd

Me: …ok, I’ll take a break and you can work on my computer

IT Guy: Cool. Please write down your password for me.

Me: …um, sure. Um, IT Guy? (as I write down password), please don’t judge me

IT Guy: (reads password. Shakes head). Sigh, I won’t.

Yes, I recently changed my password, and it is Fassbender1206 (1206 for day we saw Shame :D)

-----

I want to judge her… I really do. BUT…

… and when you throw in full frontal? Sigh. I can’t.

Will air on the Hallmark Channel

2011-12-02T14:21:00.001-05:00

Another movie script from the minds that brought you Mission Impossible XXIV!

Christmas With My Dad, the President

President Obama is too busy preventing an Iran Nuclear War to celebrate Christmas! When Malia suggests he has forgotten the meaning of Christmas, the President must take a step back, and reconsider his priorities. Should he serve his constituents tirelessly, even when the job has a shelf life of 8 years tops, over spending Christmas with Malia and Sasha, who are losing the father they once knew and loved?

Also starring Santa Claus

And I like movies with God in them!

2011-11-25T08:57:00.000-05:00

I must say, such are the repelling powers of Keira Knightley that although I should watch this because God* is in it, I can’t because she is in it too.

*God = Michael Fassbender.

Mom, Can we keep him?

2011-11-10T16:40:00.002-05:00

Herman Cain: For Every Person Who Says I Harassed Them, There Are ‘Thousands’ Who Say I Didn’t

Introducing this season's Sarah Palin. Love.

Like, fail?

2011-10-24T15:38:00.006-04:00

Something about Post Secret I don't get... Why bother to send in a secret and anonymous post card to an organization aimed for allowing secret soul purging... when the post card sent is in code?

To quote Oogie, "you suck even more when no one can crack whatever frigging message you wish to send out."

or this:

Like, Seriously, Fail.

Curly Nikki's Natural of The Day

2011-10-24T15:35:00.001-04:00

Well, not really, but it's only a matter of time.

The Nerve of Her Boobs

2011-10-24T15:28:00.005-04:00

Yes, this is about another chat with Piglet and Oogie. But this is legit- it's about the absolutely totally f*cking unacceptable sighting of Scarlett Johansson making out with my darling Joseph Gordon Levitt... I mean, MY Joseph! To wit:

GROWL.

Anyway, the following g-chat ensues:

Piglet: This is not even debatable (*provides link to atrocity). I will kill her. DONE

Oogie: I’m trying to be very composed and dignified. Obviously I am above fighting or being bitter that a man I hypothetically could have had but not so much in reality, chooses someone who isn’t even that pretty. I’m calm. And zen. No, I’m seeing red. I can barely see. kadjafvcvfd; Excluse m.e

Piglet: The nerve of her boobs.

Most of your friends don’t care that John and Jane Smith got married.

2011-09-28T17:12:00.003-04:00

A rant, if I may.

And a Facebook-related one, at that. So I ask, what on earth is the purpose of posting an album of a wedding you attended to your Facebook profile that is private to all Facebook users but your Facebook friends?

I missed the wedding of my friend, Amanda, this past weekend. One of her friends in attendance posted the album to her Facebook profile and had the album’s accessibility limited to her friends. Not even the “Friends of Friends” could view the damned album. Amanda’s friend has, perhaps, THREE friends in common with Amanda. So Amanda’s friend gets to naturally select which three of Amanda’s friends get to see Amanda’s wedding. Like, for serious?

A few things, dear Amanda’s friend (and all of you Facebook users who do this crap), most of your 1,428 friends do not care that Amanda married the guy she met playing beer pong after a wet t-shirt contest during Mardi Gras (or was it the guy she met after cheating on Mardi Gras guy?). But Amanda’s friends do care to see that she got married. I get the need to keep certain things about YOUR life limited to YOUR friends. But this Facebook album about AMANDA’S wedding has, maybe, ten pictures of you (unless you’re a narcissistic and self-centered sh*t, as well) so perhaps you should keep the album public to “Friends of Friends” so that friends of Amanda who actually give a crap about HER life can see HER wedding. (Unless you’ve doctored the album to superimpose your face on her body, then I totally understand).

And for the record, I’m not hating. Just pissy.

Or maybe he just likes the taste of his foot.

2011-09-28T17:06:00.003-04:00

It seems that every news outlet has been reporting about Brad Pitt’s super insensitive comments about his ex wife, the human American Apple Pie, aka Jennifer Aniston. These comments primarily center around his statements blaming his marriage to American Pie for the fact his life was boring and blah and blah. Usually, I avoid most Brad Pitt-related news since dude is as boring as clay, but I have been following this story with some sort of perverse pleasure.

Why? For the past seven years, only two people suffered for the shitty way HE ended his relationship: He cheated on American Pie, dumped her publicly and immediately after, he starts dating the Anorexic Vampire with whom he adopts a brood of United Nations- sanctioned kids, and then proceeds on a public path to canonization. All that dude needed was a litter of puppies for the image to be complete. Anyway, no one ever EVER castigated Brad Pitt but American Pie became the old maid, the bitter and miserable female, etc. etc. AND! People dumped on her each time she said something as innocuous as, “I’m single”! And as much as I disliked the Anorexic Vampire, she was always the other woman even though it takes two people to create the “other woman."

So there you have it. Brad arrogantly assumed that enough time had passed because, you know, people love the heck out of him (I mean, are there not a million and a half articles about his awesomeness and that of the Anorexic Vampire and their children and doesn’t everyone just LOVE a woman who can’t get enough of being a mother? And what vial of blood talkest thou of?) . And with this incorrect assumption, he decides that “oh, I now can be honest about my love.” No, em-effer, you can’t be because the foundation of your love is gross and, yes, disgusting. Jen’s very famous statement “a sensitivity chip is missing” stays relevant. The tide is turning, and people finally are beginning to dislike him. Took them seven years but FINALLY, subconsciously, people are now disliking him. Don’t let it ever be said that we only bash the Anorexic Vampire.

Side note, weren’t they gosh oh so darned cute together?!

It's like the Master Cleanse all over again

2011-09-21T18:53:00.001-04:00

After a two-week trip to Japan where she admittedly spent most of the trip gorging on the various delicacies of the country, Piglet returned to the U.S. with a seemingly permanent food hangover that prompted a 5 day tester of the Raw Food Diet. And as the following email exchange on day 2 shows, well, she didn't quite make it:

Wednesday, September 21. 10:00am

Oogie: How’s it going?

Piglet: Wonderful. I feel hungry, but my insides feel clean, you know?

Wednesday, September 21. 12:37pm

Oogie: How’s it going?

Piglet: Quite well. I’m thinking I should have a bison burger for lunch

Oogie: …wha?

Piglet: LOL, kidding! Like, LOL.

Oogie: Heheh, LO..right

Wednesday, September 21. 4:11pm

Piglet: Is Mayo raw?

Columbine WAS in Guam, after all.

2011-09-07T11:14:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, a gunman opened fire in a Nevada IHOP, wounding seven and killing four. Speaking to authorities (and the media) about the shooting, Ralph Swagler, American extraordinaire, says, "This happens in third-world countries, not here."

Third-world countries??? Silly, American. This stuff actually does not happen in third-world countries. They don't have IHOPs.

Well. He is only ½ Kenyan, after all.

2011-09-07T11:07:00.003-04:00

Uhm... Obama has some small feet:

And you know what they say about feet...
P.s., put a shirt on! That's the President for sh*t's sake.

Why I shouldn't have kids

2011-06-24T11:51:00.000-04:00

Me: I mean, you don't just throw out the bath water with the baby!

Friend: Um. You mean, BABY with the bath water.

Me: Right.

Happy Friday.

Forwards from Ma: We got one!

2010-10-29T14:08:00.000-04:00

From Ghostbusters, if you're not cool and was wondering.

It took 12,48723 forwards, but our mother finally sent us something that actually elicited a laugh from our jaded souls. To the library patrons that I disturbed with my outburst of laughter, I apologize.

A guy went up to his father, saying: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: That's great, son. Who is it?
Son: It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mum. Sandra is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, and indeed, a couple of months later...
Son: Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!
Father: That's great, son. Who is it?
Son: It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter.
Father: Ohhhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister.

This went on another couple of times, and the dude was so mad, he went straight to his mother, crying.
Son: Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn't your father.

How to make bubble tea

2010-09-21T20:50:00.000-04:00

I asked my sister for a bubble tea recipe (yes, she makes it from scratch, the nerd). This is the recipe she sent me.

Heeey, oogie.

It's 2 tablespoons of boba (bubbles, for you Harlem-Americans) boiled in a cup of water and a tablespoon of sugar. (This is important b/c boba takes on flavors with which it is cooked and is extremely bland otherwise).
Boba cooks in 1 minute. Drain out hot water once it's cooked to your preferred consistency (read: softness).
Boil water for steeping tea (water has boiled when bubbles appear on surface of water. Alternatively, boil water in a whistling kettle just to be sure).

Place a black tea bag* in a cup. Make sure bag label is hanging over side of cup to allow for easy handling.
Pour water into cup. (Make sure it is the same cup with the tea bag).
If you prefer a stronger cup of tea, steep tea bag (dipping tea into water or just letting tea bag sit in cup) for 5 minutes. Otherwise, 3 minutes should suffice.
At this point, I like to add 1 tablespoon of coffee.
Add sugar to taste.
Add boba.
Enjoy.

Call me if this isn't clear. I think I still have the recipe I gave to Jada.

*Tea bag should not be black. It is a bag of black tea leaves.
Love, Piglet

- Show quoted text -
--
Sent from my mobile device

For those who care, Jada is her 5 year old Goddaughter. I know I almost burnt down the house boiling water that one time, but this was unnecessary, and mean. I cried.

And remember, always horizontal

2010-09-21T13:42:00.000-04:00

To the obviously psychologically fucked up Vancouver lady who claimed acid was thrown on her by some random stranger (a black female stranger, for those keeping count) until she confessed to doing the deed herself, I just have one thing to say:

IT'S CALLED WRISTCUTTING!!!*

Less permanent damage, and more mainstream. Ok?

*Yes, this post is evil. We just think, in the spirit of shallowness, that being psychologically messed up doesn't have to come at the price of one's face. Unless you're not hot.

Life compare-and-contrast: Friday night

2010-09-03T22:00:00.000-04:00

Texting back and forth

oogie: Dude are you online?

piglet: At a bar, darl.

oogie: F**k you. Eating pieces of gum.

piglet: My friends are models.

Sigh. Happy Friday!

Next week: Noah, major drunk?

2010-07-25T10:55:00.002-04:00

And now, a Sunday Sermon about the Chicken/Egg question

With the recent discovery that the Chicken did in fact come first, any Christian who was waiting for verification through this scientific breakthrough must now acknowledge that they are bad Christians: When God created the earth, he did not create an egg; he created a chicken. AND, if we choose to think of this question as applying only to World 2.0, a.k.a the world after the flood, Noah did not bring two eggs into the ark, but two chickens.

So the lesson here is: a) religion eliminates the need for science as good Christians already know the answers to those "difficult" questions, and b) Aristotle was just stupid.

Heyyyyyyy Piglet

2010-07-07T14:33:00.001-04:00

On May 2010 Piglet and her sister Oogie parted ways as roommates. To the 750 million concerned mutual friends, we don't hate each other and are still friends. Still, there isn't a doubt that living apart will affect Oogie more, who moved to a less fancy apt in a less fancy neighborhood and who has naturally depended on her older sister more than she cares to admit. Below, some voice messages left for Piglet in the early stages of not living together.

Voicemail, Tuesday June 2nd, 4:45pm.
Heyyyyyy Piglet, can I get a spare key to your apt? Apparently no cable in new place and I NEED my Top Chef fix. Lol! Call me back, xoxo. It's oogie.

Voicemail, Thursday June 4th, 10:01am.
Heyyyyy Piglet, can I use your kitchen to make some pesto sauce? I don't have any pots and I'm trying to budget things for now. Aaaaanyway, let me know and of course you can have some sauce if you want! Call me back, xoxo. It's the sis.

Voicemail, Sunday June 6th, 2:25pm.
Heyy Piglet, it's the oogster again. I'm sorry I missed our brunch date today. I keep forgetting that I have to take the bus THEN take a cab THEN walk ten blocks before i can get to the subway station and then transfer three more times before getting to midtown. But at least my rent is super cheap! LOL! Ok call me back! Super owe you.

Voicemail, Thursday June 10th, 7:18pm.
Heyyyy Piglet, got into a HUGE fight with the roomies about chores. They got so mad when I suggested they do...anyway it doesn't matter. Call me back!

Voicemail, Saturday June 12th, 9:11pm.
Heyyyy Piglet, another fight, this time about food. See, I thought the roomie was making this pasta dish for...the specifics don't matter again, LOL! Just that she's mad at me and it super sucks! Call me back!

Voicemail, Tuesday June 15th, 1:54pm.
Heyyy Piglet, just on the way to the UPS headquarters. Apparently they don't deliver stuff at our neighborhood. Something about...who cares? I LOVE it here! Call me back! xoxo

Voicemail, Monday June 21st, 8:02am.
Heyyyyy Piglet, can I crash at your place again?

Voicemail, Wednesday June 22nd, 11:16am.
Heyyyy Piglet, I kinda noticed your roomie giving me the stink eye again. Are you sure she doesn't hate me? I think she's just jealous that I'm always hanging out at your place and wishes you'd rather hang out with her. Lol! Anyway, have fun at work today! xoxo. It's oogie. Your sister. Byeee!

Voicemail, Wednesday June 22nd, 7:31pm.
Heyyyy Piglet, why aren't you calling me back? I had a really funny joke to share! I told one of my roomies but she wasn't amused. I think it's because she's Indian and it was a joke about this...anyway, call me back it's so funnnnnny! We should blog about it! xoxo

Voicemail, Friday July 2nd, 9:22am.
Heyyyy Piglet, just at the police station. Got mugged on way to getting the paper this morning, bleh. Call me back! xoxoxo.

Black woman sues church for performing Gay Marriages

2010-07-06T10:41:00.000-04:00

A woman demanded a return of the $250,000 in donations she made to her church due to the church's recent performance of gay marriages. Now, before we judge, surely we can understand her outrage: they LIED to her.

May I suggest that in retribution, all church-going white gay people should plan on suing their church for daring to integrate blacks in the congregation. Just a suggestion.

Next week's sermon: Was God...black?

2010-06-27T07:41:00.000-04:00

And now, a Sunday sermon on Abraham

Abraham, was he really that faithful? Why such blasphemy, you may ask. Well, let’s address the bible story in which Abraham takes his son, Isaac, to the top of a mountain for sacrifice. I ask, is it not possible that Abraham went along with God's directive to have Isaac sacrificed because in his mind was the unspoken thought, "I'm probably not the father, anyways"? (Hear me out here- In those times when the world did not have Maury Povich to announce “You are NOT the father”, surely we can understand the possibility of such a doubt? At the time of Isaac's conception, Abraham was 5,503 years old. (No, really). Plus, Sarah had been shown to be bitter about the chicks on the side (that she mostly pimped to him, granted (citation pending)). And then how random that two guys claiming to be Angels (uh huh) would show up and crash at the pad and then a few days later the lady becomes pregnant! Oh yeah, Abraham had thoughts.)

Moving along, the second point I need to make is, have we ever considered how fucked up it must have been for Isaac, thinking he is going on an animal-sacrificing excursion with the dad, only to be tied up and lain on top of twigs once they arrive at their destination? To then watch with fear as his “father” raises the knife, aims for his throat, only to stop in midair, looking at the skies (this is when God has interfered- but as we all know, God only talks personally to people and nobody else hears- but to Isaac, his father is taking a break prior to killing him), then turning around observes aloud, "Oh, there's a lamb." Isaac is then untied, the lamb is killed instead, and then they both head home afterward. The question becomes: Had senility kicked in or was Abraham so one-track minded and practical he decided since God was late on providing a lamb, they might as well kill Isaac so he will come home in time for supper? Poor Isaac, he must have been traumatized beyond words after this.

So the lesson today folks is that Abraham wasn't that faithful, just a lousy father.

Another blog post about something we hate!

2010-06-26T17:50:00.000-04:00

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw a lightbulb?
A: Some obscure number.

Yes, hipsters are annoying. In a new segment that we will probably soon get tired of, we present scenarios involving hipsters and how to deal with them. Scenario #1: The hipster and his love of obscure music.

Normal person: So what's that you're listening to?

Hipster: This band Spoonfuls and Forks, you probably haven't heard of them. They're this garage band from Kansas. They're sort of starting out now. They have this sound that is just out of this world.

Normal Person: Spoonfuls and Forks? Oh yeah I've heard of them. I heard them on the radio the other day on Z100? Ryan Seacrest goes on and on about them. Actually I think they opened for Backstreet Boys. In Atlantic City.

Hipster: Um. I don't shower.

Next week: How to tell when a hipster is either male or female.

It's cool again to hate soccer

2010-06-12T17:55:00.001-04:00

At the tender age of 26, I oogie, a Nigerian expat, finally accepts that she friggin hates soccer and will not be participating in the World Cup viewing festivities*

Why I will not be viewing the World Cup:

Because each game is ninety minutes long, with no interruptions except for half time, and on average you get a score of 1-0. This means you will waste ninety minutes of your life on a single exciting point. There is also a fifty percent chance this exciting point will not be towards your team. Which leads to the next reason...
The team I root for always loses. Rooting for Brazil is lazy, and the other countries have ugly colors and/or ugly names.
The exciting point that makes up the final score of 1-0 is often a free kick. That is without a doubt the most anti-climactic aspect of soccer. You are resigned to being rewarded with a pitiful 1-0 final score, and then this exciting score happens to be a free kick! It's like every single Super Bowl of your life being a final score made up of field goals. How is that fun?
Football (YES, I said Football!) is more fun than soccer. Like, hands down.
While soccer players are really hot, you can get the same thrill watching tennis which has players with a similar physique. Tennis is an equally boring game, but you get more close up shots of players, and grunts too.
And finally, in a further breakdown of this pitiful game, soccer is fifty percent faking of injuries: A guy gets tapped on the ankle by an opposing player, he lands on the ground, clutching knee, face contorted in such acute pain. While all this is going on the clock keeps running. A penalty kick is granted. Now feeling much better, the player kicks the ball. Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal! It's minute 20, and the final score will be 1-0. Yeeeeah, this is fun.

*except to get drunk in bars with friends and meet cute soccer fans

Dark day indeed

2010-04-30T13:05:00.006-04:00

On Facebook:

Oogie: I don't feel too good. Life suddenly seems shit-tastic.

Piglet: A dark cloud has descended over the world. I knew they'd be punished for spawning such perfection.

Oogie: It really isn't their fault though, that God chose to blink at that crucial moment of conception.

Piglet: That blink! In better news, he's available.

Oogie: Yes. But what chance does any lady have with a man whose baby mama is Halle Berry? Seriously.

Happy Friday! (Bleh)

My vibrator's broken, anyway

2010-03-12T09:33:00.002-05:00

On gchat

Piglet: Try to stop me from buying a Don Draper doll. I dare you.

Oogie: Of course I'll stop you! This is absolutely despicable! People who are even thinking about buying this deserve to be locked up! So vile! Oh it's available in July-so Vile!!!!

It just needed more salt

2010-03-04T09:47:00.001-05:00

Who among us has not come across a "blog to book deal" story and thought with extreme annoyance, "I could have and should have done that too"? Take the instance of the latest book from a blog, "The Art of Eating in", in which an obviously entitled human being decides to chronicle a year of cooking her own meals and not, well, eating out. Perhaps also one of the most annoying and unbelievably clueless blog-to-book concepts out there considering that most people eat in since it's CALLED BEING POOR!*

I digress.

Nonetheless, we have decided to jump on the blog to book bandwagon! I, oogie, who is an all-around lame cook (by the kindest of terms), will start blogging about her trials and triumphs in the kitchen! I give you um, triumph FAIL #1: the birthday cake I made for myself, a pineapple upside down cake:

Um. It just didn't make it on the way up.

*said the grad student.

They can't be serious

2010-03-01T10:48:00.004-05:00

Victoria's Secret just launched a "Love Your Body Campaign" and the following is the poster ad they used for the campaign:

Right.

Please take all the time you need to digest this.

Abortion is simply that: Her Choice

2010-02-27T09:49:00.011-05:00

The New York Times featured an article on the latest anti-choice movement, which claims that abortion is at the center of a long-running conspiracy to annihilate the black race. (Seriously…)

To disseminate this message, the Georgia Right to Life organization has funneled significant amounts of funding towards displaying billboards claiming that “black children are an endangered species”, developing a website detailing the conspiracy and hiring a black minority outreach coordinator to spread this “knowledge” among black communities. In addition, the anti-choice Mark Crutcher has produced a documentary on the connection between abortion and black genocide, all the while comparing abortion to Nazi tactics and slavery. Planned Parenthood, of course, is primarily targeted as being the primary vehicle for fulfilling the genocide mission.

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

For once, let’s get this straight. In addition to offering abortion services, Planned Parenthood offers sexual education information, reproductive health services, including birth control. The attempt of the anti-choice movement to attack Planned Parenthood and to prevent it from operating in black communities means that the anti-choice movement intends to prevent members of the black community from having access to affordable birth control and reproduction education services. Quite obviously, the reduction in available sexual education and birth-control services in any community will result in an increase in unwanted pregnancies. And with unwanted pregnancies come increased abortions. Within their own camps, the failure of their arguments is quite evident- take a simple look at the results of Sarah Palin’s insistence on abstinence-only programs in schools and the result of a teenage pregnancy within her own family. Logic, apparently, is not the forte of the anti-choice movement.

More importantly, are blacks to listen to the anti-choice movement on abortion and black genocide? The anti-choice movement is born primarily of the religious right and has members that consist primarily of white republicans who care so much of the plight of minorities and yet will not hesitate to disparage unwed black mothers, deny them welfare benefits and all the while ensuring that their children, who make up less than 12% of the population, make up more than 50% of the jailed population. (Let’s not get started on the socio-economic cycle involving unwed black mothers and poverty). And when pushed to make a change and improve the circumstances of this demographic, these same members channel our beloved Senator Bunning to say, “tough shit”.

Most, if not all, anti-choice arguments rest on the foundation of a woman’s presumed stupidity. And with the latest claims of abortion-related black genocide, the black person’s presumed stupidity. The NY Times article quoted a pro-choice black female college student who, after viewing Mark Crutcher’s documentary, said, “[If I were to get pregnant now,] maybe I should want to keep my child no matter what my position was, just because of the conspiracy.” That statement = Education FAIL because how about this for a mind-blowing curve ball: DON’T GET PREGNANT?!

This latest campaign of the anti-choice movement is beyond insulting. Black people should and do have more sense than falling for this hateful and racist rhetoric. A woman’s choice to have an abortion remains a choice and NOT her contribution to an alleged black genocide.

This may be the hardest Lent yet

2010-02-17T18:03:00.002-05:00

I'm giving up cocaine for Lent. Or perhaps Meth? Now, my Catholic mother's outrage aside, shouldn't the abstention taken up during this glorious holiday include things that we've wondered about? And not necessarily behaviors or habits in which we already engage? I know this is irrefutable because I initially decided to do away with carbs, found this too hard after the toast I had for breakfast, then I considered giving up my Sunday mornings by attending church every Sunday during lent, and this was even harder (um, brunch? Like, helloooo???). So, I settled on something that would be the least offensive. And this was cocaine.

Please wish me luck and check back periodically for updates on my progress.

All hail the blessed mother! The impossible hath been done as thou hath createth life…eth

2010-02-14T11:14:00.011-05:00

This rant is dedicated to those friends (you know who you are) who recently went where no mortal had gone before- they (gasp!) created life. To say that motherhood gave these women unprecedented airs is to make the understatement of the month.

Take the instance of my friend, T, who gave birth about seven months ago but failed to notify me of her, uhm… miracle. Instead, I found out via searching her Facebook profile when I began to wonder if Friend T had the baby yet since otherwise, she’d have to be 10 or 11 months pregnant. And sure enough, she’d squeezed out her child six weeks earlier. I call her immediately, “Hey T, I just saw you had the baby! Congratulations! Call me when you can!” A couple of weeks pass and I still had no response to my call, which was unlike her. I call her again, “Hey T! Just calling to say hi. Give me a call when you can.” 5 months later and still no response from Friend T. I simply deduce that chick is upset with me for not calling once she’d given birth, an action that would have been damn near impossible since (a) she chose not to notify me that baby Z (*not actual name) was born despite her weekly calls throughout her pregnancy to update me on such inanities as her daily flatulence, the changing weight of her boobs and the green ooze that once leaked out of said boobs and her husband’s audacity to request sex once in six months despite being fully aware that she was creating life and didn’t he know the future baby Z could be the next Einstein (yeah heifer- Charles Manson was also gestating at one time) and (b) it is NOT my fault that I blocked your Facebook profile after your incessant Farmville games saturated my news feed so how was I to know that 6 weeks earlier, you announced that labor pains were akin to a single mosquito bite and “[your] mother was a liar, yo!” and that baby Z had arrived?

Anyway, after 5 months of complete and utter silence, 2 days ago, Friend T resurfaces to condescend to write on my Facebook wall, “hey girl...i miss you...hope your [sic] doing well!!”

The nerve! I, of course, had to respond accordingly, “Hey- I'm doing well. How are you? I know you're super busy but we should definitely catch up whenever YOU have time to return ONE of my calls :)”

Shocker! She hasn’t responded.

So what really is the purpose of this rant? Friend T is not the first new mother to behave thusly. For some reason, some people believe that childbirth designates them as some hallowed and blessed being. (Newsflash- WRONG!) Said people seemingly expect that by sheer intuition (and perhaps a dash of divine intervention and/or related communication) the rest of us lowly mortals shall become apprised of the birth of their child because god forbid we don’t intuitively know 10 minutes or less after the placenta slides out to congratulate them on this miraculous feat. It is beyond irritating that I have to explain to friends like T that it is not personal; most people have busy lives that prevent us from idly waiting for some divine communication that you’ve given birth. Wait! What was that? We should just know? We should put our lives on hold and stalk YOUR lives to know when your baby has arrived? Well! OUR BAD!

But I must be off- divine communication coming through- Baby Z just pooped. Accordingly, I now must call to congratulate Friend T.

Infidelity, we canNOT condone

2010-02-06T09:13:00.010-05:00

This past Tuesday, Oogie reads to me from an article, "Gadbourey Sidibe, star of the movie, Precious, announced in a recent interview that she wants Justin Timberlake to be her date to the Oscars."

(Pause)...

"Well he can't take her because- doesn't he have a girlfriend?"

This has to be an IQ test

2010-02-06T08:12:00.006-05:00

Because there's just no other reason for this:

A $1,960 Louis Vuitton ~~trash~~ ~~bag~~ purse.

I swear, anyone who purchases this thing deserves to die.

Because underwear is so complicated

2010-02-05T22:14:00.035-05:00

Oogie and Piglet's 10 Different ways to wear underwear

(As inspired by all the "10 different ways to …" lists out there)

1. Inside Out. I also like to call this style, "Laundry Day".

2. Inside Out, Non-Laundry Day version. This is also called the energy efficient version, where you can double the number of days you have available clean underwear! Think of all the gallons of water being saved!*
*This comment not sponsored by any tree hugging organization.

3. Commando/Not wearing underwear at all (energy efficient version #2).

4. Over clothing, a la manner of Lady Gaga.

5. Boy shorts as hot pants/short shorts (your pick).

6. Recession version: Convert old underwear to a thong. For this you will need:
a) Old Underwear. It can be yours or someone else's. Your discretion. But if it belongs to someone else, please let them know first.

b) Non-permanent Marker (Sharpie makes great ones). The marker will be used for tracing the design for the thong.

 c) Scissors.  The scissors should be used for cutting along the design marking  traced on the Underwear.

7. As an Accessory. They already come equipped with elastic bands, and what else do you need for accessories? Think headbands! Bracelets! Necklaces!

Fig: The Piglet posing in faux fashion blog pose. Eyes blacked out to keep parole officer from tracking down.

8. Underwear layering. This will be especially useful in the wintertime when you find yourself still feeling cold despite that customary single layer of underwear. This is also strongly recommended for that endangered species of human, aka the Virgin, entwined in relationships with frisky boyfriends. Once a boyfriend catches glimpse of 7 (or more) layers of underwear, he quickly shall lose interest in your unwaxed nether regions and focus on your boobs instead. As God intended.

9. Women wearing men's underwear, and vice versa. Aside from the cool factor, it is such a thrilling factor to know your boyfriend, who is very important at his job, is wearing your silky underwear at his 10am business meeting. And we all know he thinks it's sexy you're wearing his boxers. This was copied from a cosmo magazine issue; I'm pretty darned sure I didn't come up with this on my own.

10. Cutoffs.

Please tune in next week for our much anticipated blog on "10 things to do with Shower Caps."

Definitely not rocket science

2010-01-09T22:00:00.005-05:00

Latest headline-

The New York Police Department is currently on the hunt for two black men allegedly responsible for a wave of robberies targeting Hasidic Jews. Interestingly enough, the robberies, however, are being investigated as hate crimes.

I must ask- what hate crimes? These dudes are simply being robbed because they’re loaded. Have you, uhhh, seen the way they dress? They’re obviously not spending their money on clothes.

Movie Review: New Moon

2009-12-15T09:42:00.005-05:00

In which three bored friends go to the Movies to see New Moon

Piglet: Cool, the film's named after the beer!
T: New, not blue.
Piglet: Ohhh

Kristen Stewart comes on the screen
J: Who's that girl?

Taylor Lautner appears on the screen, shirtless with his six pack gleaming

J: Yummers
Piglet: Is it wrong to sweat the 17 year old boy? I feel pervy
T: Would you do him if you were 18?
Piglet: Hell, I'd do him at 21.

Towards the end of the movie
J: Seriously, where's Dakota Fanning? I thought she was in this movie?

After yet another rescue of Kristen Stewart.
J: "Jesus, what's with this girl? She's worse than Spider Man's Mary Jane in heroines needing rescue every 1.5 seconds.

Edward Cullen removes his shirt
J,T,P (collectively): Ew.
P: They forgot to put glitter on his abs

T: Are his abs airbrushed?!

Movie over, the trio exiting
J: Ugh, that was lame

T: I want my money back

P: Totes
J: We probably should have seen Twilight first

Other moviegoers exitting as well (Apparently irritated): Yeah, no shit.

This blog post brought to you by the CAPS key

2009-11-08T12:53:00.015-05:00

A lot of attention is being focused on Anthony Sowell, the upstanding Cleveland citizen who committed rape and murder for years, stashing the bodies under his house. While I do NOT for any second question the cruelty of his actions, I cannot help but wonder if he does not have a gene (See http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn18098-murderer-with-aggression-genes-gets-sentence-cut.html) that predisposes him to raping and murdering people, at least more so than the average Joe? Should we not take this predisposition into account, especially when you consider that his neighbors almost unanimously said that he really was not a bad guy, except for a tendency to smell (this latter tendency really being unforgivable, when viewed objectively, of course)? Another issue I have with Tony's case is that for these women (ahem, all black) that he ALLEGEDLY harmed, should we not ask ourselves: Is it a coincidence that a majority of them were drug users or with jail records? Another question: Why would a woman willingly go to a man's house that she had JUST met? Trust me, I get it- the Sexual Revolution came and ruined EVERYTHING that was great about this country, but women still have the responsibility to behave like ladies. In addition, doing drugs, ~~being black,~~ allowing yourself to have a jail record, etc, these are just a setup for rape/death. For once, I ask that women take some sort of accountability for their rapes and murders by nice Cleveland men such as the T-Man here. Society loves to focus a lot on these men for their crimes, and never once do they question the women's role.

Now, before you jump on my throat, I will have you know that I am a woman, and I have a feminist friend. So I know what I speak of. We are doing women out there a DISSERVICE by not telling them to a) wear long skirts (if they MUST wear a skirt, b) not shower often (and thereby ward off the scent that makes men think of raping them), and c) not do drugs, go to jail, and/or enter strangers' houses. Instead, what we hear of ALL the time is how men are monsters/suck for committing rapes and murders, etc. It is just unfair.

To the readers, I hope you can see where I am coming from. I was mostly inspired by this great post by fellow woman (and a feminist too at that!) where she commented on Rihanna and domestic violence. Now if you'll excuse me I'm off to the gym. I plan not to shower afterwards.

Forwards from Ma: Forward this or you're gonna DIE!

2009-11-05T10:37:00.008-05:00

Since our dear mother finished yet another degree, the extra time on her hands is spent forwarding emails to her poor children (and yet she wonders why her computer crashes with her insistence on opening every forwarded attachment). Since we wish not to suffer alone anymore, we will share ~~each week~~ the most ridic of those sent to us. You are absolutely welcome.

When God is about to reposition your life
know that the devil will begin to attack!
Read to the bottom
This is a simple test:
IF YOU LOVE JESUS,
SEND THIS TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE INCLUDING
THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU!
If I don't get this back,
I will know you really
didn't read it.. I got this from someone and
thought the last part
was really a good
thought.
Too bad that the person who sent it to me did
not know 10 people who
would admit to knowing
the Lord
...

It goes on in this fashion, but here's what is most important: What happened to the friend that sent this who didn't know 10 people who believed in God???

Or Billy Mays

2009-10-30T09:34:00.011-04:00

Halloween is this Saturday, so a little PSA for all: Do not go as

Chris Brown and Rihanna, on day of beatdown

or

Heath Ledger's joker

The latter is so 2008, and the former is just, um, no.

Happy Friday!!

So over the Drapester

2009-10-28T11:55:00.006-04:00

From a Huffington Post review of Sunday's Mad Men:

"The Gypsy and the Hobo" is a great episode of Mad Men. For those who've been thinking that the pace of the show was more than a bit slow earlier in the season, that's certainly not the case now.

Please tell me this is sarcasm? Because there are TWO episodes left in the season!

Y'all need to use y'all more often.

2009-09-14T15:55:00.005-04:00

I was in South Carolina this weekend. When not producing idiotic politicians (Mark Sanford, Joe Wilson), South Carolina kills people with Southern Hospitality and of course, the "y'alls". I think "y'all" should be used more in modern speak. If these three reasons won't convince you why, nothing else will:

Better than saying "you all". "You all" is clumsy to say. No, it's just painfully uncool. Yes anybody can string words together, but words flowing smoothly often overrides the importance of proper grammar. It is why "Your hot" trumps "you're hot" in our current times, because that apostrophe screams acne-ridden recluse that has never been laid. There's the alternative "you people", but that always offends somebody because "you people" obviously means "you non-white, lowest common denominator mistakes of creation."

Paula Deen. Who doesn't love Paula? "Hey y'all. Today we're gonna cook for y'all a healthy salad made with butter. The trick is to not use croutons, and to replace the dressing with butter. Lots and lots of butter. Y'all. It is sooo good."

I lived in Texas for a year plus and now I can't stop saying it. And I think my non-Texas friends laugh behind my back when I say it, so if we can just make this expression hip, I can be a little less uncool, k?

He also ate manure as a kid

2009-08-24T18:01:00.003-04:00

My younger brother, while being a fairly intelligent creature of God, has a third grader's sense of humor. Thus, when I found out this incredibly cheesy joke was declared the funniest of the year in the UK, I had to share with him.

Via text message:

oogie: Joke for ye: Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge? LOL

wee bro: Wow. That's a killer.

oogie: Are you being sarcastic?

wee bro: Of course. Lol. I thought you caught on.

oogie: How can you NOT like this?? It's your kind of joke.

wee bro (five minutes later): Oh. Hehe. I just got the joke...solid!

Sigh.

Forwards From Ma: "I need a lady!!"

2009-08-19T11:25:00.000-04:00

And yet another unacceptable forward from mother (1 of 15 sent in a ten-minute time span):

___________________________

GENTS U CAN HELP ALSO, IF U KNOW ANYONE WHO IS SINGLE, SISTER, COUSIN, ETC, please help your female friends.

For all the single ladies searching for love. I’m a 33 years old wealthy businessman looking for lady to spoil and to start a family with. Those interested can mail their C.V’s with photo’s to lover@yahoo.com

Name: Loverboy Chauke
Nickname: Mr. B.E.E A.K.A. Money maker
Occupation: Businessman

One of my houses

One of my cars to be delivered on 10/08/2009

This is me off-course (sic)

___________________________

(I should laugh, but I'm too busy adding my mother to my spam filter.)

When typos go oh so wrong

2009-08-18T09:13:00.006-04:00

From a friend's Wall

Happy late birthday! My son is still waiting for some fucking soccer leasons dick. make it happen. Don"t tell me your too imortaant to meat my baby bohy

Reggie finally comes to his senses and dumps that girl!

2009-07-27T20:46:00.003-04:00

Ha Kim! HA! I so called this relationship as a fluke of the moon’s movements. I mean, why would he end up with you? Did you forget that in the end, you’re a SEX TAPE “star”! (with Ray J of all people as your co-star).

Oh and more importantly, HE’S MINE! (…Once more).

OMG, I’m a b*tch.

Yes, another post about a convo with sis

2009-07-24T22:27:00.004-04:00

We're moving, and our extremely hot new landlord has been hitting on my sister. So of course we had to have this conversation:

oogie (very dryly): Well considering LILF* is half in love with you, I won't be surprised if he installed cameras in the rooms.

piggie (deadpans): Good point. I'll have to make sure my body is perfect.

Sigh. We do have standards, honest.

*Landlord I'd like to f**k.

Dahlings, alcohol is your friend

2009-07-24T14:38:00.000-04:00

Happy National Tequila Day (hiccup)!

And happy Friday!

And how did I get the "Idiot" nickname as a kid?

2009-07-22T08:15:00.008-04:00

I'm sure we have all seen the brilliant ad campaign by the American for the Arts folks stressing the importance of art programs in our public education system. Quite noble of them, undoubtedly...but what about the flip side of this situation? Case in point, conversation with sis this morning:

oogie: So yesterday was the anniversary of the moon landing.

piggie: Which moon?

oogie: The one up there.

piggie: Right.

oogie: Anyway, it's been 40 years since Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.

piggie: Ohhh...I thought he was the jazz singer?

So let's just agree to support education, yes? Ok.

Forwards from Ma: Collard greens image not included

2009-06-30T11:50:00.003-04:00

Introducing our new weekly segment: Forwards from ma!

Since our dear mother finished yet another degree, the extra time on her hands is spent forwarding emails to her poor children (and yet she wonders why her computer crashes with her insistence on opening every forwarded attachment). Since we wish not to suffer alone anymore, we will share each week the most ridic of those sent to us. You are absolutely welcome.

An old black man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his yearly collard green garden, but it was always very hard work for him because the ground was hard. His only son, Junebug Jankins III, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins III:

I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't be able to plant my collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins, Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Junebugg Jankins III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins, You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Junebugg III.

So there you go. Incarcerated son dupes FBI, who still haven't found those damn bodies, into helping father out. How...sweet?

Summer 2009 Movies roundup, part 2

2009-06-27T09:43:00.004-04:00

Away We Go

Gah! Jim is cheating on Pam! What, my SAT score in High School? Why do you ask?

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

With the sequel, they weren't even trying anymore. Film premise: Have Megan Fox run in slow motion in as many shots as possible, and have her mouth permanently in the insert-penis-here position at every turn. Then blow up a lot of things and hope no one notices the blatant exploitation of sexuality.

Thoughts on Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T07:30:00.005-04:00

I couldn't figure out which picture to go with this blog. The guy had so many different faces.

The Michael Jackson South Park episode still remains the funniest shit I have ever seen in my entire life.

Thriller still scares me. And I used to know how to do the dance. Ok, parts of it.

To the jerk person on facebook who said "Who gives a shit": It is true not everyone need give a shit. For instance, Farrah Fawcett died earlier yesterday. I don't know anything about her. I just know she was on Charlie's Angels, introduced the Farrah Flip, and that's it. I don't even know how she sounds, that's how insignificant she is in my life. Yet, I would never vocally express this sentiment (well. Except as I just did on my blog). Someone just died asshole. Christ I hate when people are mean for the sake of being a contrarian.

I cannot stress this enough, but for most people my age and older, especially immigrants, Wacko Jacko (the name I fondly adopted after he um, went nuts) was a big friggin deal. In fact, he represented to most of us what America was: A magical place where Michael Jackson moonwalks and loves everyone and heals the world with his magic (don't go there). Of course, um, we then came here and realized that people were mean! It's ok, we all turned mean too so everybody wins!

So yes, RIP you crazy awesome person. You died too young, and I'll always shamelessly rock out to your music.

Man, Farrah, being upstaged even in death

2009-06-26T07:19:00.003-04:00

Anyway,

Rest in peace Michael. Your death actually moved this cold soul to tears.

For you Erica...

2009-06-25T13:41:00.006-04:00

When one of our 2.3 readers complains of a lack of posts, we take heed dammit! So without further ado, the post for the week:

Tim Geithner is hot.

Yes, he can waste my tax dollars anytime. LOL! Wow, we're killer.

And uh, that's all I got.

Madness over function

2009-06-11T11:14:00.005-04:00

On gchat this morning

Piglet: Worth it?

Links to Stella McCartney monstrosity that costs an arm and a leg

oogie: My eyes! No.

Piglet: But WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??

oogie: Because I don't like it. When it costs 10 bucks, get back to me.

Piglet: But why don't you like it?

oogie: It doesn't look like a functional bag. And that's why I don't like.

Piglet: But why does it have to be functional? WHY?! It's pretty and shiny.

oogie: There's the difference between your mind and mine. I believe, while pretty and shiny, a thing should have a function. That bag holds no function. Looking at it actually fills me with rage.

Piglet: But why does it have to have function? It should just be pretty AND shiny. If it were just pretty, I wouldn't buy it.

oogie: Yeeeah, ok.

Piglet: Die.

oogie: Thud.