As of this posting, it is currently at 0

After a string of people left the company, someone in my office put this up on a wall:

Times are hard.

Why we don't write an advice column

The unbelievably condescending letter below was featured in today's Dear Prudie post:

Q. High School Graduation: My son graduates from high school this month. There is a girl in the same school system who has severe cerebral palsy. She has been in the same schools as my son since kindergarten, and was mainstreamed into the classrooms; she even "graduated" along with the other kids in sixth grade. She is also a neighbor. Her parents are delightful, optimistic, friendly, and caring neighbors. But, as graduation approaches, the talk in the store when we meet other moms is always happy talk about college choices. Even this mom happily asks about other kids. I ran into her recently, and had this happy chat, but I felt self-conscious that I didn't know how to ask about her daughter. I know there must be sadness that her daughter does not have the hopeful future that our kids have. I want to be kind and honest when we visit. How should I handle this?

Prudie's response, while on point, did not sufficiently address, in our humble opinion, the insanity (arrogance?) dripping in the letter writer's question.  We have therefore drummed up what we view to be a more appropriate response:

A. High School Graduation:  How wonderful of you to care that the mother of this retarded human being does not have the hopeful future that your son has.  Often times, we are worried about how others may accept our kind gestures and fail to act; therefore, I suggest that you bake a pie, knock on your neighbor's door and casually ask her, "how is Simple Jack doing?"  Should she stab you, spit on you and throw you into an oncoming car, rest assured that this is undoubtedly the stress from raising someone who should have been put down by a seasoned and qualified Veterinarian a long time ago.  And someone clearly from the lower classes.  In addition, should your neighbors set you on fire upon retelling this delightful story, well, please be reminded that Hitler was once misunderstood as well.

The Morning After Pill- A Weapon of Mass Destruction

On April 30, 2013, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) reduced to 15 years the minimum age of over-the-counter access to emergency oral contraceptives, a/k/a the Morning After Pill.  This move, which does not conform to the recent ruling of U.S. District Judge Edward Korman of New York that overturned the Obama Administration’s minimum age requirement of 17 years, has set off the usual firestorm of debate on the appropriateness of the Morning After Pill and its availability to minors.  I thought I would throw my hat in the ring to address some frequently asked questions or comments on the Morning After Pill.

1.  Children should ask their parents for permission prior to purchasing the morning after pill.  

We’ve all heard the comments that “my child knows better” and “I would never judge my child” and “I would make sure that my child knew there was always a safe place for her to discuss all matters involving her sexuality.”  I am sure that most, if not all of us, understand the need for parental involvement or supervision when children are making certain decisions.  Unfortunately, reality is such that not every child has a safe space (or an adequate support system) to discuss the near-inevitable issue of her sexuality.  We live in a country that has created a taboo culture around the topic of sex, so much so that a child often believes that addressing her sexuality and the hormones naturally tumbling within her is off-limits.  There are also those children being raised in homes that may have religion-based values prohibiting pre-marital sex, much less discussed.  Then there are those children that do not have a safe space because they are living a nightmare where the counterpart to their sexual experiences is their father, uncle, brother, or cousin, and a rapist.   

Taking a step back, it is important to acknowledge that teenagers are notoriously wary of authority and are wary of the potential for “punishment” for even the most mundane things; therefore, it is unquestionable that they would feel the same way about discussing their sexual activity with their parents. 

Furthermore, has anyone taken a look at our rape culture or the tendency of our society to blame the victim and ask questions later?  No?

  

Link

Yes, I’m pretty sure any child born to the above asshole (at a Take Back The Night Event, mind you) would feel comfortable coming to her parents for help.  Children need safe and educated options and, sometimes, those options cannot be their parents.

I will also advance a potentially controversial point:  There actually is something to be said for having a healthy fear of one’s parents.  Too often, we see children not quite understanding the concept that parents are there to be parents and not to be your friends.  Perhaps it IS okay that your child is not comfortable coming to you to discuss their sexual habits or discuss that she decided not to use a condom with her boyfriend/sexual partner the night before.   What is not okay is that you have not educated your child enough to teach her that there are places such as Planned Parenthood at which she could get some guidance on preventing STDs and unwanted pregnancies, or that you failed to teach your child about contraceptives such that there shall be no need for emergency contraceptives.     

2.  What would stop an adult from buying the drug for a 13-year old girl?  No matter what the minimum age for access to the Morning After Pill is, someone will always be able to buy the pills for a 13 year old girl.  Take alcoholic beverages, for instance, a product that, unlike the Morning After Pill, has actual and frequent evidence of its capacity for destruction when abused.  I will call you a liar should you say you never had (or don’t know someone who had) a 21 year old buy you alcohol as a teenager.  Either way, to be quite frank, I see absolutely nothing wrong with a 13 year old girl having a 15 year old buy her the Morning After Pill.

3.  Abstinence-only programs are a safer bet than making the pill available to 15 year olds.  Abstinence-only programs have proven repeatedly to be complete and total failures.   Teenage pregnancies, which overall remain at historically low levels, appear to be at their highest in States espousing abstinence-only programs.  Finally, contrary to oddly-popular opinion, providing the Morning After Pill to teenagers shall not destroy the girl, and shall not lead her down a guaranteed path of promiscuity, force her to drop out of high school, and etc.  Do you know what would guarantee a changed life for her?  And almost always not for the better?  A teenage pregnancy.

4.  Boys will now force unwitting young females to take the pill.  This is the most common and frequent argument I have heard against the decision of the FDA.  Except, we’re forgetting something:  This is not a date rape drug.  Where both parties are consenting, it is likelier that both parties shall be making this decision together.  If you have a non-consenting girl, then I shall go out on a limb and say that you have bigger problems than whether or not a boy slipped the Morning After Pill into a girl’s drink.

5.  Is it not likely that girls will end up abusing the availability of the Morning After Pill, using it inappropriately as a birth control device, and taking it 3 times or more per month?  A couple of things: (a) I strongly urge you to retake Freshman biology, and (b) the Morning After Pill is actually $50 per month- short of a child having access to one heck of an allowance (or other illegal and/or non-sanctioned cash flow), may I guarantee you that this will not be the case and shall be likelier a last resort?

6.  We have regulations for things from buying alcohol and cigarettes, to driving, etc. Why is it a big deal that we regulate the access of kids to the morning after pill?  See #1 above.  Please let me know the last time that your teenager came to you and said, hey, mom, I am going to Justin’s house to have sex.  Teenagers do not ask for permission to have sex and this is the reality.  Provide them with as many safe options to protect themselves. 

7.  The Morning After Pill is an abortion pill. Sigh mother f*cking sigh.  The Morning After Pill is NOT an abortion pill because once a fertilized egg has been implanted in the uterus, the pill cannot stop the development of the fetus.  Rather, the Morning After Pill may prevent ovulation (the release of the egg from the ovary) or prevent the fertilization of the egg.  In addition, the Morning After Pill may prevent an egg from implanting in the uterine wall.  For further discussion, please see recommendation in No. 5 above re: Freshman Biology.

8.  The Morning After Pill will lead to increased levels of promiscuity in teenagers.  Yes, because condoms, which are available without an age-limit, by the by, have led to orgy ragers.   In all seriousness, kids WILL have sex; I promise you that.  It is important to provide teenagers with emergency contraceptives instead of finding yourself discussing adoption or abortion or other options with them.  I ask you to choose the better option.

One does not read this blog without knowing that I am a fierce and unapologetic advocate for all matters involving the rights of women, especially when it comes to reproduction and our sexuality.  When the Morning After Pill became widely available, I recall “abusing” its availability.  At least twice (three times?) in one year, I purposely did not insist on a condom with my then sexual partner because I knew I had the option of the Morning After Pill.  I share this anecdote because I am not writing off the possibility that teenagers may get comfortable and may become more reckless than usual.  However, similar to my subsequent and very rapid education that the Morning After Pill really was not a form of birth control, I have quite a bit of faith and comfort that the “abusing” teenager quickly will learn the appropriate uses of the Morning After Pill.  In the end, the job should be about educating the sexually active on the appropriate contraceptives so as to prevent the need for an emergency contraceptive.

9.  And finally, tying back to No. 1 above, my child is an angel and knows to come to me.  Go check your teenager’s bedroom.  Yes, that’s her bed sheet hanging out the window.  And yes, that’s Brad’s corvette parked down the block.

Oogie is working from home today...

I, dear readers, give you a screen shot of my text messages from this morning:

You stay classy, San Diego.

I's all growed up now

You will be pleased to know that after almost a year of living in my current apartment with this nightstand:

I finally got a real one.

I'm very proud of myself.

S**t's getting real out there, y'all

Boston Globe has a story on the carjack victim of Boston bomb suspects.

From article:

In a flash, he unbuckled his seat belt, opened the door, stepped through, slammed it behind, and sprinted off at an angle that would be a hard shot for any marksman. 

Um. 

WHAT IS AN ANGLE THAT IS A HARD SHOT FOR ANY MARKSMAN???!

I need to know, thanks.

This post written in Easter egg colors.

Once upon a time, in a State far away, a little girl turned 14.  And with that 14th birthday came the advent of her womanhood.  For the next 15 years, for 8 consecutive days each month, the Red Fury barged in, desperately but so hatefully welcomed.  One day, while making her monthly contribution to the balance sheet of Playtex Products LLC, that little girl, now a woman, discovered that her local Duane Reade had run out of her preferred tampons, Playtex Super.  A sales clerk directed the frantic and weeping woman towards a box of tampons marked  Playtex Ultra- "your only option", said the sales clerk.  

"What is Playtex Ultra?" asked the woman.  
"A type of tampon?" said the sales clerk with a disinterested shrug.  

With a sigh, the woman bought the box of the foreign product, hoping that her experience would not be the raw nightmare that was Tampax Pearl.  At home, the woman said a prayer, inserted the tampon, and then... Wait! Could it be? It was! It was!  That box of Playtex Ultra tampons, for people for whom the Red Fury is an experience that could only be described as follows:

src:  http://imgfave.com/view/2945340

...that box of Playtex Ultra tampons is salvation, redemption, and, well, a Tampon commercial.  To wit:

Oh Sorry... That's the Kardashians... 

Much better.

For the first time in my life, I no longer dread my period (other than the occasional, Dear lord, please let this sh*t come this month); the period experience has become finally what it was meant to be: just another part of being a woman and not a punishment.  

And I'm not kidding- I am wearing pastels as I type this.

Yes, that is a picture of Sawdust

Gluten Free Sugar Free lactose free ice cream... I'm really not following.

Forwards from Ma: That one time we outed ourselves as heathens

As our two readers know, we often get forwarded messages from our mother.  Sometimes we misunderstand the intent of the message.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Dear Woman of God, Be still for a while and praise God for His favor, His grace and His Awesomeness. God is able to do the impossible and is always near. He loves us unconditionally. Together, let's get 1000 ladies to praise Him with one voice in this next hour. Please forward this to every woman you want God to bless. Let's all say this prayer during this hour: Dear God, This is my friend whom I love And this is my prayer for her. Help her live her life to the fullest. Please cause her to excel above her expectations. Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love. Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs You the most, and let her know when she walks with You, she will always be safe. Amen! Now you're on the clock . . .Tell nine sisters you love them, including me. Get going girl!! Do not ask the Lord to guide your footsteps if you are not willing to move."

And in what may be the most hilarious but honest exposure of an individual's spiritual leanings, Piglet replies all to respond:

          "I don't get the joke."

Uhm. Win.

Yes, she really did go there

Text from Oogie:

"There is an obscenely hot firefighter at the grocery store. Can I set myself on fire right now? That wouldn't be weird, right?"

...

...

by piglet and oogie

So, this happened, and Piglet and I are exhausted.

If you are too lazy to click on the link (and/or have been living under a rock for the past couple of days), President Obama, during a fundraiser, described Kamala Harris, the Attorney of General of California, by saying,

 ““She’s brilliant and she’s dedicated, she’s tough… She also happens to be, by far, the best looking attorney general…. It’s true! C’mon.”

What I firmly believe is such an innocuous statement has led to such outrage, vitriol, etc., that one would think that the President may have casually thrown out the phrase, “legitimate rape”, was a Supreme Court Justice voting with the majority on the Lily Ledbetter case, may have been hanging out recently with a female French tourist on a bus in Brazil, or may have been selling acid-filled containers to disgruntled men in certain third-world countries.

On the one hand, I understand and acknowledge the arguments of the critics of President Obama's remarks; I really can see the logic driving the sentiments of the critics.   After all, does not every overly-politically-correct argument have some reasoning to it?  You hate it when I use the word "crazy" in a sentence because it might be offensive to true mentally challenged people?  I get it.  You hate hearing about my diet because I may inadvertently be part of the oppression of “fat” people? Yup, I get it.  You hate that time your friends complimented each other on their looks because there may be some aesthetically-challenged people out there?  I get it.  But these are at the extreme end of true problems-i.e., NOT PROBLEMS AT ALL.  There are people walking among us AGGRESSIVELY and very very ACTIVELY engaging in a no-holds barred war to bring down women, demean us, or destroy us, so to choose to be upset over a joke related to looks, all the while claiming it is tied to some "bigger" issue, is exhausting.  As in, exhausting the way that, for instance, screaming “racism” and “death to all White men” over every action against a black person is exhausting.  (See, for instance, the recent race-related riots in Flatbush, New York, over the police-related shooting death of Kimani Gray, a young man with a questionable history and whose culpability is not immediately black or white, and its potential de-legitimization of disturbing and on-going race-related abuses such as the Trayvon Martin death, and the unapologetic Stop and Frisk program of the New York Police Department.)  We have real issues, people, and the resulting brouhaha over President Obama’s comment is dangerous and DOES contribute to delegitimizing of those real issues.

There is also a level of hypocrisy that bothers me about the outrage women have exhibited over this “incident”.  Attractiveness is used by every gender to compliment a female- especially females to other females.  Spend an hour with a group of females and I shall bet you that you shall hear a compliment based on someone’s physical appearance- be it shoes, hair, makeup, anything, at least once within that hour. (I would argue for a 5 minute window, but I dare not be flippant.)  When did it suddenly stop being okay to be attractive? I dare any of my female friends to claim that being called pretty or something based on physical appearance does not matter to them.  No, not being told that their attractiveness is their sole contribution to their position (in whatever form), I’m saying- a simple compliment- I dare them to deny that it does matter.  Wait! Is it because a penis commented on a woman’s attractiveness?  Nope.  According to K, “I think the fact that the President’s comment caused so much buzz is a problem for her and for women, even if he didn't mean it.”  After banging my head on the wall, I chose to ignore K’s comment or to point out that the “buzz” was actually caused mostly by women and what should have been a non-issue became one of the more annoying protests to which I have been subjected to all year. 

President Obama was making a joke.  That joke should not be a story.  Further, before even looking up the identity of other Attorney Generals, I knew she would be one of the few females populating a non-diverse group of primarily White males- a setup that is often perfect for this joke.  Should I break it down further?  When an obscene majority of the State Attorney Generals are male, of course she is likely the most attractive State Attorney General (and the last I checked, Ryan Gosling was still walking his dog around Brooklyn).  So yes, he.made.a. JOKE!  Or… mayhaps we make the argument that instead of calling Kamala Harris attractive, he was actually calling the other Attorney Generals ugly (uh oh… the White House better issue a preemptive apology asap.)  P.s., if we’re going to get on the train of crucifying the man as being anti-woman, let’s make another leap:  President Obama’s comment, if the knee-jerk liberals had thought for a second, would have had a FAR MORE positive effect on gender equality than a negative one because it should have been used to call attention to the woeful disparity evident in the demographical breakdown of the State Attorney Generals. 

The Kamala Harris incident is an example of exaggerated political correctness; knee-jerk liberalism, if you will.  Women should be proud of being attractive AND intelligent and accomplished, etc. Being attractive, having that noted in addition to your accomplishments is not meant to diminish your value and I think it hurts us in the short and long run to harp on this non-issue.  We have so many REAL work-place related issues; we should focus on fighting those.  If we took a second to think, we’d all know that President Obama is a far cry from the Mad Men era. So please, stop the madness because it is for nonsense like this that the fight for equality and the related movement remain a divisive one.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Dead wrong :D

I am truly so confused.

In the past two or three years, most of my friends forgot how to use condoms, which means they have all become mothers.  In the ensuing mommy-hood assault on my Facebook news feed, one theme has reared its ugly head- frequent status posts like this:
"What a wonderful way to start the day-- my amazing hubby got up early with the baby and let mommy sleep in, then surprised me with blueberry pancakes in bed :)"

Sweet, okay.  Except, I always want to comment, "but isn't that also his child?"

Most Ominous Calendar Reminder Ever

From: Google Calendar

Date: Wed, Feb 27, 2013 at 5:03 PM
Subject: Reminder: Period @ Fri Mar 1, 2013
To: Piglet in Wellies

more details » Period When Fri Mar 1, 2013 Calendar Piglet Who • Piglet in Wellies - organizer

Invitation from Google Calendar

Considering that my period, affectionately dubbed the "Red Fury", usually has me believing that my ovaries are trying to "prometheus" their way out of my vagina for a good 8 days, I swear the above reminder arrived in my inbox accompanied by the Psycho theme music.

Then again, as my sister, Oogie, gently reminded me after I sent her the above in an email, the two of us really are such "singletons" because somewhere, a 29 year old smug mother of 5 has a calendar saying things like "pick up Kimmy from soccer practice; take out lamb chops from freezer; sew button on Jon's work shirt..."  Our calendars, however, have the following:  "Period, 27th of the month... buy tequila for apt....brunch...brunch...brunch...Period." Lather, rinse, repeat.

Yup... And darned proud of it.

Are you that daft?

Jezebel posts an article titled, "'Cunt' is not a bad word", in which the author discusses some embarrassingly misinformed b.s. about society's misguided offense at the word, the need to reclaim the word, and some blah blah blah-ness about "[taking] advantage of [the] true awesomeness" of the word, "Cunt."

The author mind-boggingly misses the point that matters- think of the society and the context.  This is not me referring to my vagina as a "cunt" (which it is), but it is about the use of the word:  when I, the individual, am called a cunt by another, it is not for shits and giggles- I am called a cunt because it is a slur and, in our society, it is the most debasing term to call a woman; it is meant to insult my gender.

I hope that helps, dear author.  That word should not be reclaimed; I want it gone.

Pictures of kitchens with rainboots fill me with rage

More specifically, kitchens with cute little canisters on top of the cabinets that say "FLOUR" or "SUGAR" doubly fill me with rage.

 That is all.

Parenting really loudly on a train

"Yes Matthew, that is a homeless guy!  Can you spell homeless?"

"Well Matthew, the guy is sleeping on the train because he's tired...That's right Matthew!  You have a bed, and you sleep in your bed when tired!"

"Yes Matthew, the announcer guy just said the next stop is 42nd.  Can you count to 42?"

"Sweetie, the baby is crying because it's really tired!  But you're not tired, because you just took a nap.  Can you spell nap?"

"We're standing because the train is crowded and there are no seats.  Now, remember what we discussed about giving up seats on a subway?" 

"Can you show Mommy the girl's hat?  Good boy!  Now, can you point at that man's shoe?  You can touch it, of course he doesn't mind." 

"Well Matthew, the guy smells because he is homeless and doesn't have a home to shower.  Can you spell shower?"

"Well Matthew, the fat guy in the ad can't go up the stairs because he's fat.  But you don't eat fries, because you're a good boy!  Can you spell fries for Mommy?"

"Well Matthew, the people left their garbage on the train because no one taught them how to put things in a trash can, just like I taught you.  Can you show mommy a trash can?  Good boy!  Now can you spell trash cans?"

"Those kids are eating candy because their parents let them, and they don't understand that candy is bad for you.  Can you spell candy?"

"Well Matthew, the two guys on the ad are kissing because they like each other.  When you're old enough, you can kiss a guy if you want to.  And Mommy and Daddy will still love you anyway"